First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I am getting a lot of questions as to why I have yet to really touch on the African Gray, Demonseed.  Now I am no authority on birds, even less of that concerning African Grays but why anyone wants these animals as pets is beyond me.  They are decent size birds, Demonseed is particularly brilliant as well, and to put them in cages is pretty wrong.  If fowls are to be put in cages they need to be producing eggs or preparing to embark on a journey that involves some sort of deep fryer, right PETA?  Yeah!

This here Demonseed is a curious little shit.  He is really smart, as I mentioned, mostly because he seems to take quite kindly to me.  Over the course of working here I have established a relationship with Demonseed and am now able to reach into the cage and pet him.  Insane considering the absolute freak behavior this bird displays most of the time.  Maybe secretly I am wishing for a proper maiming, who knows.

The finest example of how insane this bird is how some days I can walk into the office and have him singing me sweet love songs and other days he won't stop screaming at the sight of me, it does wonders for my self-esteem lemme tell ya.  Most days, now anyway, Demonseed will give me a hearty "Good morning."  Yes, Demonseed can talk, its the greatest.. more on that another time.

So as I am grooming Demonseed, during office downtime to actually treat me with respect, Female Boss walks in and sees me actually petting him.  Female Boss is quite jealous as she states, "There is no way I can get my hand close to that bird."

I find this odd as it is her bird.  Oh well, I continue to speak to the bird and pet him daily.  A week or so passes by and Demonseed is quite taken by my body massages.  Female Boss refuses to be upstaged and starts competing for the attention.  Demonseed starts singing to Female Boss with cute whistling.  Demonseed, by coincidence or not, somehow knows how to bat his eyes when he is being sweet.  Its pretty hilarious how big of a ham he is.

At this point Female Boss is totally making me look like a chump and captures Demonseed's complete attention.  Female Boss pushes her luck to the limit and reaches into the cage to pet Demonseed.  So picture this, the bird singing while Female Boss reaches in to the cage.  Demonseed is cunning enough to give Female Boss the illusion of trust long enough to the point where her hand is half way in.  In a blink of an eye, Demonseed strikes at the sweet, sweet flesh of Female Boss' fingers.  Female Boss lurches back but it is too late.

The task has been complete.  A chunk of flesh the size of an average pinky nail dangles from the side of her middle finger.  Demonseed just stares innocently at the result.  I am in complete shock, I have never seen a bird move so fast let alone attack someone standing right next to me.  Female Boss' finger starts streaming blood like a leaky faucet.  She is standing there paralyzed so I rush to the kitchen and grab a wad of paper towels.  She holds them against her hand and still hasn't said a word.  Then, as if it was straight out of a movie script suggesting a hint of psychotic tendencies beyond the gentle demeanor, Demonseed starts singing again, just as he was before he bit the hell out of Female Boss.

"You piece of shit," says Female Boss as she heads for the kitchen to wash out her wound.

I'm thinking to myself, maybe you shoulda stuck by your first statement.

So there I stand, staring at this fucked up beast in front of me and he looks back with a glint in his eye while he sings.  This is one evil, possessed mother fucker.  He's smart and alluring.  He knows his shit.  I respect him and see him time and time again earn his rightful title of, the Demonseed.

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