First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

These are some stories from a while back but nevertheless worthy of making anyone's blood pressure rise with the stupidity demonstrated by Female Boss.  I apologize in advance because they are not particularly funny.  I just need a means to vent these short stories and let you partake in the nonsense I deal with everyday.

Scenario #1: Female Boss was talking to her 9 year old niece. Female Boss asks, "What are you doing for St. Patrick's Day?" First thing is why would anyone ask a nine year old what their plans are for a day that primarily involves the consumption of all too much alcohol is beyond me, but that just puts the pig anus scraps in the hot dog.

Niece replies, "Thank you." Obviously she didn't hear Female Boss' question or wanted to chew on a light bulb that was soaked overnight in a toilet, choose your own adventure.

Application: Female Boss calls her friend after her conversation with her niece. She tells her Friend, "Ask me what I am doing for St. Patrick's Day."

Friend does. Female Boss responds, "Thank you."

Female Boss starts to laugh for quite some time. In the middle of her laughter Female Boss explains where that came from. She hangs up about one minute after finishing her anecdote.  As she hangs up Female Boss mutters, "I thought it was funny."  

Clearly Friend was unamused by her antics.

Scenario #2: Female Boss was talking to her 9 year old niece, again. The niece has recently discovered some interest in the internet and is trying to get Female Boss to visit a website that she enjoys. During this process Female Boss can't see something on the website and lets the niece know.

Niece says, "Try to refresh."

Female Boss comes back with, "I don't need deodorant."

I would imagine the little girl says it two more times as Female Boss repeats her ingenious line two more times. Then, Female Boss explains to her niece that, "I don't need to refresh cuz I took a shower and put on deodorant today." Pa-rumph.

Scenario #3:  I am pretty sure that I mentioned before that Female Boss is very dream oriented.  I know I have failed to really illustrate this so let's start now.

Female Boss comes into the office, late as usual, with a shopping bag from the local mall in hand.  Without even saying hello to me, she starts, "I had the weirdest dream last night."

This usually translates into, "Had I not stolen your scissors from your desk, again, now would probably be a great time for you to plunge them into your urethra rather than listen to this bout of crap I am about to spew."

Female Boss continues, "For some reason everyone was telling me in the dream that it was August.  Then I told them, no its not August, its October.  All of a sudden everyone gravitated towards me like a deity and started questioning me.

'How did you know?  How did you know?' they asked me."

I tried.. but I was unable to swallow my tongue..

Female Boss finishes with, "I think this dream is a direct reflection about how intuitive I am and how hard I have been working on my psychic powers."

Psychic powers?  Is she fuckin serious?  Intuitive?  I bet she doesn't even know what that means.  If my monitor wasn't so expensive I would have no problem slamming my head right thru it.

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