First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. 

A big part of the business is calling and maintaining relationships with our clients. Initial ice breaker conversations, follow up calls and shooting the breeze.  All this is vital in keeping a happy client and phone etiquette with personality are key.  Its bad enough being bothered with a phone call so making sure you can make 'em laugh and/or talk about something significant builds the bond.  That said, let's remember where I work.

Some mornings, Male Boss has wicked phlegm.  Apparently its not just that thick sticky waddy kind, its the stringy gelatinous strain that just won't move up or down enough to expel itself from his throat.  This is the recipe for some of the most vile sounds I have heard come from the human body but it also makes for hilarity.

Male Boss is placing a phone call, its roughly 11am.  Its been a great morning for me so far.  I'm handling my thing in the office and Male Boss takes a seat on the patent leather couch, kicks his feet up on the dark oak coffee table.  He reclines back and slouches down like a pimp holding a new client folder in one hand and one of our cordless phones in the other.  Male Boss is putting on his game face, you see the first call to a client is crucial and depending on what business they are in you have to roleplay it a certain way.  He dials the numbers with a cocky spring in his finger.

No answer.  At this point you have to decide on whether or not a message is that important.. first time client, you bet it is.  Set the tone, let them know who you are, how they can reach you and all is good.  Basic everyday thing in our line of work.  

Male Boss yanks his feet off the coffee table and pulls his elbows onto his knees ready to leave his message.

"Hello this is echechchchehchch."  Phlegm vibrates in his throat as he tries to clear it.

"Sorry, I had something in my throat, this is chcheehhcchehchhchcch."  The phlegm bubbles and shifts but doesn't budge.

"Sorry, ehchchehchchehchhchchh."

Male Boss hangs up.

"Fuck!" he yells, "My God damn throat!"

"Eehcchcehhhchchcehch," he clears his throat thoroughly this time.

Now with a distinct accent like his he has to change the game plan.  He doesn't want to be affiliated with the previous caller that totally made a fool of himself on a company voicemail.  Lucky it wasn't a cell phone with Call ID.  He goes for the voice disguise, which in his case is shoddy at best but better than nothing.

Male Boss dials, phone rings, voicemail picks up.

Lowering his voice, "Hi this is Male Boss calling you from Company Name.  We received echeehchehchhcchchehchh."

The gig is up.  He got his name out and the phlegm just wrecked him.  I hear paper fly up into the air and land all around him.  He hangs up the phone fuming mad.

My stomach cramps from holding in laughter.  Great start to a day.

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