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Home Angry Time Stories The Kryssmas Chronicles: Doomsday
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Written by Northe   
Sunday, 28 March 2010 06:53

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Plug: Before we get started and now that I'm back, remember to pay attention to the AngryTime Suggests box down on the left. Commissioner Phelps, like always, has been holding things down - go and be challenged.  Mexi needs encouraging words to rise again it seems. New Addition: Jenn is back to blogging so I took the liberty to linking her site, go give her a read.

Take a second, if need be, to reacquaint yourself with fucked up Kryssmas. In short, last we left you with him arriving at mentally twisted at best and being deprogrammed. As Male Boss' interest in Kryssmas waned, Female Boss' boundless heart swelled for the pathetically demented creature. Like most idiots, pet projects make her not only feel good but also makes sure that she never has to look herself in the mirror for too long. Being that Kryssmas is the latest distraction you can bet she will give almost all of her attention to this easily discarded soul.. and distract herself she did.

The rehab from suicidal quivering vegetable to spastic mental patient begins. Like any thoroughly laid out and well-planned animal training circuit, Female Boss starts at the top of the list with Smothering. Daily milestones of consistency included, but were not limited to, at least two lines of bird shit from her shoulder to the middle of her back and commenting on how painful it was when Kryssmas starting ripping strands of her hair out. The day just wasn't a success without it. Throw in the occasional shitting on her keyboard, meal or arm and you are getting about 85% of the picture. The other 15% became finding hatred for all others aside from her. I know, I find it totally crazy too that animals become territorial and possessive over someone that gives them an extreme amount of attention....

The first few incidents involved Male Boss. The completely random surge of hate keyed in at Male Boss gave the office that unpredictable sense of terror it was desperately missing, truly. Hearing Male Boss yelping in fright as the bird would go for his eyes or other soft squishy bits brought, not only, that nervous energy that sends the dogs into a barking frenzy but also that near heart attack feeling to the adrenaline system. With the perfect working environment realized, Female Boss was about done with step one and therefore, finished all together. No time for follow through, only a fleeting sense of artificial concern cut short on a whim. I think this was the keystone for Kryssmas' final downfall.. but I am getting ahead of myself.

The next step was to deconstruct Kryssmas' silly idea that Female Boss actually gave a fuck about him to begin with. The now shattered and confused Kryssmas begins his journey to unpredictability. Based on his recent behavior it is not only okay but expected for him to be with Female Boss for the stretch of any given amount of time while she is at the investment property. When Female Boss comes in, Kryssmas flies to her and is promptly shoo'd away. Kryssmas then starts going for Male Boss' unwelcoming shoulder and meets the same fate. Now we can safely add rejected to Kryssmas' profile. This is when the bird starts going through the politically correct phrase of "acting out" or what I would label as "being an asshole."

Being an asshole seems to be what Kryssmas was built for. With most of his feathers self-plucked from his body, that crooked fucked up beak of his and those sharp, spindly talons of his make the appearance fit the profile. Kryssmas' new found self-awareness brings forth a new activity.. attacking. The bites come often and painfully for the pair of Bosses, he tends to attack first thing in the morning and whomever it is he sees first. Curiously, Kryssmas has been avoiding me practically all the time.. until one day.

Being constantly on the defensive when coming in to work, not knowing whether or not one of the Bosses is already there, I was ready when he came in for the assault. Thankfully it was a day when I had a bit of work in a file folder I took home the day prior and when Kryssmas made his move I was able to swat his sorry ass down to the ground as if I was wielding a badminton racket. Upon telling Female Boss when she came in to work right on time at 1pm, she couldn't believe it. Truly shocking considering the weeks of sustaining her own injuries.. we're talking at least 4 or 5 band-aids applied in just a few weeks, not to mention plenty of paper towels used to dab up smaller cuts. Again, completely miffed and gasping at the thought of it even happening.

Tracing back a bit, after maybe attack number three against the two of them, I suggested to Female Boss a dandy of an idea, "Hey whore, why not put the bird back in the bird cage that you have in the house and for whom you bought it for in the first fuckin place?"

I was met with the guffaw of a lifetime by Female Boss. Ok, fuck you then. That was the end of it for me. Of course you would never put the bird back in a damn cage! Just leave it be! Things will all work out! Why just look at the hands off approach with the dogs and see how perfect they are! Just let the bird roam free and keep doing the same damn thing day after day! What a truly clueless fuck she is.. incredulity topped off with a heaping dollop of inaction.. my favorite candidate for a proper cudgeling.

As Kryssmas slowly weened himself off of the blood of his keepers, Female Boss became more complacent.. as did Male Boss. However, the opportunity for meltdown was introduced by Female Boss deciding to bring her Great Aunt to the investment property. I have NO clue why anyone would bring an elderly person to the office or what anyone would expect anyone to do while we conducted business.. an old person most of all. There is not much for anyone to do aside from sitting on one of the sweat stained and cracked leather cushions of Male Boss' sitting room couch, who was not present at the time of arrival. The ill conceived plan came to glorious climax the moment Female Boss left Great Aunt vulnerable. It was extremely clear, to me, that something was about to happen. The dogs were just beginning to calm down a good 30 minutes after they came in. With tension still ripe in the air, Great Aunt decided to excuse herself from the actual office where we keep the computers and walked out, alone, through the sitting room into the more common area of the house.

What happened next I can only attempt to describe. As the aged woman shuffled her feet across the marble flooring, Kryssmas eyed her from his perch. He saw that she was slow and soft. Her skin like coagulated and cooled melted butter that jiggled like not too firm jell-o when she moved. Yes, Kryssmas knew that she would make the best target, and in he flew. The Great Aunt had no clue what was coming for her and with no restraints presented to Kryssmas, she was more than fair game. Great Aunt let out a blood curdling screech and the dogs boomed in response drowning out the sounds of excruciating pain being inflicted upon her. Female Boss, completely unsure at first, staggered up from her chair and then realized what might have been happening. The result was far worse than she could have ever imagined.

By the time Female Boss arrived in aid, Kryssmas had already done his work. Kryssmas didn't even give Female Boss a chance and swiftly darted off as soon as she was within arm's reach. Female Boss was in hysterics, tripping on her feet like a white girl in a murder flick. The mold she fit regarding that was uncanny, completely impossible to get out a sentence or do anything effective. In the meantime, Great Aunt leans shakily down onto the sitting room couch.. left ear bleeding, garment shredded open exposing her entire left shoulder and with cuts along her clavicle bleeding out onto her sheer, white, laced old lady blouse. After a few minutes Female Boss had gathered her wits enough to bring in a roll of paper towels. Great Aunt recovered quite nicely with nothing more than flesh wounds.

To make everything better, Female Boss wrapped up the ordeal with what could be the biggest lie I have ever heard her tell anyone, "I don't know what happened! Kryssmas has never attacked anyone before!"

Me? I took a card from my shining example and office role model Female Boss and didn't say or do one god damned thing. Kill 'em all Kryssmas.