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First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Who shived you in the neck?

Blogger Profile: The name's Northe.
Been blogging since: September 2004.
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Written by Northe   
Wednesday, 17 March 2010 07:26

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

In the last post I touched for a second on legacy. Webster's dictionary defines leg·a·cy [leg-uh-see] (n.) as... get the fuck outta here, who the hell do you think you are reading? Legacy is your stamp! Your trademarks around the blackened and swollen eyes of life once you're done kicking the hell out of it. What people do during their lives is directly associated with their legacy. You want to live a normal life, chances are no one is gonna know you outside of close friends and family. To really make an impact, if that's what you want, the first thing you have to do is think differently than the other 99% of the attention begging social whores out there. An idea and a dream simply isn't enough anymore, you have to relate to people, you have to stand out and be cutting edge! So, before you sit down and start drafting your blue print, give some thought into paving the road of success with the bones of the dead whores I mentioned in the previous sentence.. it really couldn't hurt. Once you come up with a good idea, like population thinning (see last sentence), never share it with anyone until you're equipped to stash garbage bags full of money somewhere secret and safe in your home. In hindsight, population thinning might not be the best example of making money off your idea.. well, unless you are claiming the treasure of those that you kill.. my mistake, it totally works.

Since I am obviously several steps ahead of the game, I'll go ahead and swap out my blacksmithing contact lenses and put in my $-sign ones while you catch up. For those of you that need far too much hand-holding, your pal Northe is pretty damn old school. I use words like gumption and fortnight, I'll use the phrase death warmed over to describe anyone that appears unkempt, I have a severe aversion to fashion trends and pop music.. by pure chance I am part Scottish so it allowed me to get married in a kilt, a tradition spanning back life ages! This possibly being the biggest blessing because I don't think my wife would have appreciated me showing up in sneakers or shorts! Let's face it, I was born a few centuries too late.

As many of my tangents leave the reader, you are likely asking what the hell this has to do with anything, so allow me to bridge the gulf. My first idea is to bring something old school into the new school. While speaking to fellow Angry Timer, Sulu, it dawned on me. With the way of the world today, disciplining one's kids seems to be on the back burner of pretty much everyone's parenting agenda. For the sake of appearing to have a soul, I will say that I suppose breaking your child's skin with improvised weaponry can sometimes be a bit harsh, but without true correction most of today's mud skippers that have emerged from our pathetic collective gene spittle, the next generation, will only continue to make the same mistakes. Meanwhile, the bashful and image-preserving adults society would call "parents" that are more concerned with being friends with their kids than being inspirational leaders, are too scared to do anything about it. The kids have no respect for discipline and do not live in fear of consequence.. this is not the world I want for my kids! Therefore, I submit to the Angry Time panel a win/win. An old school punishment that was not only disgusting, considered compassionate since there was no violence involved, but also scores a 9 on the Holy Crap, I Remember That scale.. soap in the mouth.

This tactic, correct me if I am wrong, was only used on boys. I know of not one female that ever had to deal with this one.. not a one. Placing aside physical punishment, for the young boy this was one hell of a doom.  Reason being is that it totally sucked and furthermore, you had to sit still and keep the squirming to a minimum while your mom or dad swapped their eyes between you and their ticking wrist watch. Seconds felt like minutes and the red bar of hand soap shaped into the bust of superman that you once loved would never seem cool ever again. It was complete control. No movement, no complaining, hardly breathing and were it within the kid's power, no swallowing. Even with great thought going in to this method, this was in no way air tight. The biggest problem with this tactic was that some kids were so fucked up they could simply deal with it. No sweat beading up on the brow, no silent wish that they had a tracheotomy so that soapy saliva would just exit from halfway down their throat before it pooled into your stomach making you queasy on top of everything else. Evolution playing a key role to make this punishment more and more obsolete has now been, not only addressed, but engineered to override this insolence.. by me!

The question is how can you a) improve on beautiful simplicity? and 2) how can you get today's parents to buy back into the idea?

My answer: soap in the shape of a phallus

The first thing that should hit you squaw in the chest is completely taking away the power player child that will sit through the ordeal. This kid isn't pinning his eyes to the ceiling and swinging his legs back and forth anymore. No, sir. That isn't the molded figure of the caped crusader in his mouth anymore! The mental humiliation will do nothing short of send the child reeling as soon as the soap is taken out of the box, much like dad's look from across the room was enough to shut you the fuck up lest you wanted to feel the backside of his hand. So, first, we have taken away any superior mental position the child has.. he is demoralized. This is a huge victory for any action taken upon any dissident. Crush their spirit, then bring the punishment. With that being said, second, is the lasting effect this one will have. No bad word, no extra cookie, no tantrum is worth this.. period. Every waking second feeling that soap tickling the gag reflex, you really think your kid is gonna test you again? Get real!

The marketing angle is the easiest thing. In today's oversexed society, too many idiot moms try to keep up with the latest humane trends of discipline and it will merely fall into the fog of the smut they are subjected to willfully and unwillfully.. cake walk. Dad is even easier.  Think about it, there are tons of fucked up fathers looking to really put the screws down on their disobedient hellspawn. They will love this! Much like a perpetual motion machine, this item sells itself. Once the item spills into the common world, rest assured it would be a more ornamental replacement for soap-on-a-rope in prisons across the globe. Popularity skyrockets, kingdoms are built, game over. Rack it and cash it, sirs. I give you: The Phallus Soap

On a lighter and quicker note, I want to introduce a new word and definition.

With only a moment of lead up, I hate beard strokers.. the eggheads, the wannabe intellectuals, the know-it-all critics. They sicken me. Too often do they pretend things are one way in the face of the obvious opposite and, worse yet, these assholes I speak of are always on the other side of the issue than me. How much more odious can they be!? So, in honor of these protectors of falsehood I submit to the Angry Time panel a new word!

Beardbaten - the act of stroking one's beard as one would their *ahem* member
       ie. Quit your God damned beardbaten and listen to what the fuck I'm saying! You're wrong!

This one's for you, Beardy! Dunno why today's post is so penis-heavy. I can guarantee you that won't ever happen again. Now prepare to crush the weekend!